


But Then I Miss You...

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: A little bit late, Christmas Fluff, Getting Back Together, M/M, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:03:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9090661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: Everybody's smilingThe whole world is rejoicingAnd everyone's embracingExcept for you and I.- Most At Christmas Time, Mariah Carey





	

But Then I Miss You...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“... Most at Christmas Time.”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Summer_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Do you ever think about the future?”

The question had come up suddenly, breaking that comfortable silence laying between sheets and the first morning breeze, an air filled with the aroma of sun and sand, ocean and a summer that was about to stretch its arms and prepare for the long months ahead.

“You mean in general?” Nick chuckled softly, his lips close to Brian’s shoulder and fingers trailing the bare naked skin.

“Us.” Brian replied, his tone surprisingly serious for that hour of the morning. Puzzled, Nick turned his head so that he could look into his lover’s eyes and try to understand where this came from.

“I... well, I just hope this can be my longest relationship. Why this question?”

“I guess I just got a little bit insecure, you know? How long have we waited for this to happen? Sometimes it’s still too good to be true. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it really happened, that it is reality. You and me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Frick. And you too because, just so you know, I’m not planning on letting you out of the bed.” Nick turned them over so that Brian ended up being beneath him, literally and physically unable to escape.

“I was trying to be serious, you know.” Brian joked, his tone trying to be serious but a smile and a playful light in his eyes diminished the effect.

“I’m serious too.”

“We have shows to do. Albums to make. Fans aren’t going to be happy with your solution.”

“Who cares about fans?”

“Last time I checked... you.”

“I’ve never cared about what they thought or said about all the girls I’ve dated. And you’re much more important than all the others. I’m gonna fight for you if necessary.”

“Really?” Surprise and tenderness filled Brian, making his voice stumble upon that tight bundle of emotions. It was always so touching knowing, and be refreshed, about how much Nick cared for him. Loved him, no matter how badly they had treated each other in the previous years. Somehow they made it through. Somehow they came to the other side and that was why Brian kept thinking about making it definitive.

So no one would ever come and try to treat is as a fling. A crush. Something not worthy.

Nick pushed a stray of hair away from Brian’s forehead, bowing then down and leaving a faint glimpse of kiss on that very same spot. “Of course.”

“I want us to be everything, Nick. I want everything that the world can offer us. Nothing less.”

“Is this your way to say that you want us to live together? – Nick let out a sigh, a shadow of an old fear trying to make its way but only managed to slam against a new found confidence and security. – It’s a little bit sooner than I expected but... it makes sense. Yeah. We aren’t like others, we’ve been friends since forever. Yeah. It makes sense.”

It was something. Brian had wanted them to live together since that first kiss so many months before, though it still seemed like it had happened only the day before. But doubt had always stopped him, worried about taking it too far and scaring Nick away. It was something and it pushed Brian to dare instead than letting that matter rest for some other and better times.

“Actually, I was thinking about something else. Something more... definitive.” Brian studied Nick’s face carefully, trying to capture any signs of freaking out, of having said the wrong thing at the wrong time. But, at first, Nick didn’t even seem to understand what his lover was trying to say. What he really meant with his words. Maybe he should back down, pulling out a joke or just simply kiss Nick to make him forget all about that discussion. Maybe that wasn’t really the time, maybe Brian should just enjoy the present, their present, and worry about the future if clouds or storms should appear in their sky.

Yet, Brian knew that he couldn’t rest his mind if he didn’t speak up. If he wasn’t sure about their future because there were already so many things that he couldn’t control in his life and Nick, that relationship, shouldn’t and couldn’t be one of them.

“Definitive? What do you mean?”

Brian sat up, resting his back against the pillows; Nick adjusted his position, shifting and sitting up but still so that their knees and legs could touch. He craved for it. He craved to feel Brian always by his side, as if he still needed the reassurance that it wasn’t a dream but reality: how many times had he dreamed about mornings like that? Laying in bed, talking about their future and yet with that tenderness and affection lingering between them without a thought, without even noticing it.

“Marriage.”

“Marriage?” Nick sputtered out, cold sweat starting to use his back as a dance floor.

“It’s practical, considering everything that I’ve gone through. I want you by my side if something has to happen. And we share already work, we are together most of the times... is it really an impossible thing to consider? But it’s not just something practical. I want the whole world to know that I’m forever yours and that you’re forever mine. I want everyone to know that we are a family and that we will forever be together, and that nothing can and will be able to break us.”

“It’s... you know how I feel about marriage, Bri.”

“And you know how I feel about it too.”

“Well, I was actually thinking that marriage was out of the question, given your divorce.”

“I still want it. Just because it didn’t work out the first time, it doesn’t mean that I have to give it up completely. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even be singing anymore.”

“Those aren’t the same things. You can’t put them on the same page.”

“Why not?”

“Because... – Nick stood up abruptly,  not being able to stand still with all those emotions and thoughts rushing and swirling inside him. - ... fuck! Do we have to talk about this now?”

“Will it make a difference if we talk about it in a few months?” Brian asked, his voice trembling and giving out. Fuck his voice. Fuck that character, not able anymore to contain stress and fears, doubts and worries. Anxiety and nerves. He knew how that conversation was going to end and it wasn’t going to be a good ending. The complete opposite.

Nick took his time to answer that question: part of him wanted to say yes, that a few months would probably help him to understand that marriage wasn’t that devil witch he was still scared of. But that wasn’t going to happen and the only reason why Nick was so set about it was because he didn’t want to jeopardize what was already looking to his most stable relationship.

The ocean was calm outside the windows yet, this time, it wasn’t as soothing as it has always been: actually, it was a dreading calm, the famous quietness before the storm. And a storm was indeed gearing up, though Nick couldn’t say if they would be able to make it through. Love meant compromising, finding a middle way between two different opinions: but how could they mend that? How could they find a way so everyone could be happy?

In the end, Nick didn’t have to reply. That silence answered for him, pronouncing that single syllable that cast a dark and cold shadow upon the couple. For a moment, a blink of a minute, Brian found himself not being able to move. To breathe. Was that the end, then? Something so beautiful and, yet, so fragile.

Was that the end?

Brian slowly got up from the bed, circling it and walking to where Nick was still standing, rigid muscles and taut back. Tears pricked his eyes as the realization that he wasn’t going to have that anymore, those moments when they could be themselves, no filters and no need to wear a mask; he wrapped his arms around Nick’s waist, his head leaning against his back as Brian tried to memorize the aroma, those lines that would be forever engraved in his mind.

It was the end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Christmas Eve_

 

 

Summer had come and gone and, in a blink, Christmas was already knocking at everyone’s doors, reminding them that it was the most perfect time to be with their loved ones: lights were flashing everywhere; golden and red threads decorated banisters and windows while mistletoes were being putted in strategic places so it was easier to kiss someone’s sweetheart.

For the first time in his life Brian wasn’t really feeling that holiday. It has always been his favorite and nothing had ever seemed able to ruin that excitement, that jolly and merry feeling that has always managed to wrap themselves around his body with the first red light and with the first note of a Christmas melody. That year, though, nothing really mattered to him: he had put on his happy and carefree face, managed to smile to everyone so no one would worry and overwhelm him with bags of advices and cares. But deep inside, under that stoic and brave armor, the breakup with Nick still hurt and bleed. That wound had never managed to heal, just managed to disappear for a few lucky moments before coming back ten thousand times bigger and more painful. And the worst feeling, that thought that had managed to nest inside his mind and took control over all, was missing Nick.

He missed Nick like he would miss air.

And Brian didn’t just missed the love and physical connection with the boy: he missed his best friend, that only person in the world who had managed to slip underneath his pride and his stubbornness and took care of him, made him feel special and loved as no one had ever been able before. He missed knowing exactly what was going inside that funny and blonde mind, the way his eyes would go bigger and brighter whenever a new project would come up and excitement made Nick forget about everything around him.

Brian missed spending Christmas together, their very first Christmas together as a couple. He had made plans, lots of them, even if sun had been so warm and hot that it looked strange to think about chocolates and snow fights. He had pictured them, walking hand in hand as they chose their tree and the decorations; how they would lock themselves somewhere with lots of snow and nothing much to do than sitting by the fire and be together; he missed standing underneath the mistletoes, his arms locked around Nick’s tall figure and tasting the burned smell of cookies on his lips.

A knock pushed Brian away from his thoughts, as curiosity started to make its way. Who could it be? No one actually knew where he was, a couple of lies and half truths had been said whenever someone had asked what he was going to do during those holidays. There was a guess, something that only a small part of his heart could make because it was too damn impossible to say out loud.

But what if...?

Brian got up from the couch and went to the door, opening it and almost having an heart attack when his eyes recognized the figure standing in front of him.    

“Nick?”

Brian was surprised. Shocked. Relieved. A thousand of emotions were running like mad men inside his veins, swimming through lines and curves as if they wanted to hit each and every single nerve: a part of him wanted to shut close the door, his hurt and broken pride still hadn’t recovered from the last blow and it bled when it saw who was at the door. But, at the same time, there was this another part of him, the biggest and loudest part, that didn’t even want to hear why Nick was there. It was just happy to see him, making his heart beat a little bit faster and a bunch of small butterflies flap their wings inside his stomach.

Could it be that his Christmas wish was coming true?

Hadn’t he spent the last hours, day after day, wishing and longing for that wound to be healed and that absence to be filled? Hadn’t he wanted more than having another chance, even just a bundle of minutes and seconds, when he could talk to Nick and fix whatever they had broken?

“I... – Nick passed a hand nervously through his hair, teeth biting the lips for he still didn’t know how he was supposed to make everything okay. Or to bring things back to how they have always been: perfect. Happy. In love. – Can I talk to you? I... I swear it’s the last time.”

So Brian opened the door a little more, letting the cold wind stealing the space and sneaking inside the room. He would have done more. He wanted to do more, he wanted to put his arms around the taller man, wrapping him in his embrace, and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But something blocked him. Something stopped him. They still weren’t alright, no matter how much Brian wanted them to be, as if thought nothing had never happened. As if he had never made that suggestions, that one tiny word that had made everything crumble and shatter.

“I’m sorry.” Nick whispered after a minute stretched into an endless string of silenced moments.

“It wasn’t your fault, you know. It’s no one’s fault. We want different things and I guess... well, I guess it was better finding it out sooner than later. It hurt less.” That line was a blatant lie. A white lie. Because it hurt, it hurt so badly knowing that there wasn’t a future for them. Knowing that they still love each other but yet couldn’t stay together.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve been miserable. Without you. And every time I tried to tell myself why we couldn’t be together, those reasons didn’t seem to be that important anymore.”

“I’ve been miserable too.”

Nick dared to take a step closer to Brian. Brian let him be, swirling his mind around that aroma that his body had never forgotten.

“I was so sure that I would never change my mind. Marriage... you know what I went through with my parents and I’ve promised myself that I would never put myself in that position. Especially with you because the last thing I ever wanted was for us to end up hating each other, fighting and destroying everything that we had built together.”

“We weren’t them. We won’t ever be like them, Nick. Because you are not like them.”

Nick managed a shy and sad smile. “Now I know that. It took me so long to understand this. It took me losing you to know that we... we’ve always belonged together. And nothing, not even my fears and my doubts, could ever change that.”

“So... you have changed your mind?” Brian asked hopefully. His heart was beating furiously against his chest, as if it wanted to escape and finally be reunited with his other half.

Nick took another step and, now, only a bunch of inches separated him from Brian. He raised a hand and placed it upon his cheek, brushing his fingers against that first hint of fuzzy bear that Brian always kept. It suited him, though Nick couldn’t actually say why it made Brian looking even sexier. Maybe it was just who wore it, for Brian had that magical and special power to look beautiful in his eyes no matter which style he chose.

“You were right. As always. What could marriage change? We lived together, though we still didn’t want to admit it. We work together, we are always together. Marriage wasn’t going to change nothing about us. Marriage isn’t going to change what we have because we are bigger than everything. Stronger. Amazing.  – With a nervous and shaking hand Nick took out a small box. – I don’t know what I am supposed to do or say, I just know that I love you. And I’m gonna spend our whole life together proving that this, marriage, is the best mistake I can ever make. I want you to be mine forever. And I want to be yours forever.”

Brian couldn’t say anything: his voice seemed to have disappeared, wrapped between invisible and untouchable tears that were starting to gather from deep inside. He had never lost hope, a small corner of his heart has always known that Christmas was going to bring some kind of miracle, although he had never been able to dream something like that. But it was happening and his heart was on the verge of bursting for all the love that was filling and wanting to get out, finally free to be screamed at the tops of his lungs. Brian couldn’t speak so he just nodded, hands trembling and shaking as vision started to cloud and something warm and wet begun to trail down his cheeks: they were going to talk, a lot. They needed to, because so many things couldn’t let be left unsaid, not after all those months spent and wasted away in misery and sadness. They needed to talk because that was what couple did, making plans and projects that were going to last until forever, for only eternity would be able to separate those two hearts that had finally found the right path to walk together.

Time stood still while, outside, white and soft flaxes of snow were dancing in a sky that seemed to be celebrating that agonized reunion. Brian’s hands cupped Nick’s face as lips were free to speak that particular, rare and unique language that didn’t need words or sentences: soft caresses tasted the waters, bringing back memories that had seemed to be buried under a veil that was now shattered and broken. Nothing mattered because they were finally together and the world, their worlds, were finally making sense. Nick’s arms circled Brian’s waist, his hands resting on the back and fingertips travelling up and down the spine. It felt like being back home, finally. It felt as if, just through Brian’s lips and kisses, Nick was finally able to breathe again, smell the beauty in an air that had seemed to weight more and more as days passed by and Brian was still nowhere to be seen or found.

“You know... – Brian breathed out, his nose brushing against Nick’s as lips still tried to leave trails of kisses wherever they could land. - ... pure coincidence but look at where we are standing.”

Nick raised his eyes, following Brian’s lead and spot that red and green that was hanging from the ceiling. “Oh.” He could only comment, smiling as big as he could, as he had never been able to do during all those months spent alone.

“It’s the only one I managed to put up.”

“I haven’t even decorated this year. It didn’t seem right without you.”

“Well, look at the bright side. We can do it together.”

“And we’re going to hang so many mistletoes so we’ll just spend days kissing and kissing.”

“We do have a lot of time to make up to.”

“Exactly. And I’m not going to waste any more minutes or seconds.” With a laughter, Brian pulled Nick even closer to him, lips pulsating with the need and the desire to fill the silence with words and sounds that only spoke the language of love.

And the couple didn’t even noticed when the clock stroke the midnight, gifting them with the best Christmas they ever spent. The first of a thousand and infinite number of Christmas together.

 

  

**Author's Note:**

> So this Christmas story is a little bit late, so sorry! But I've been without internet during Christmas and that helped me going back to write almost every hour. *_*  
> Hope everyone had a good time during this holiday and thank you, so much, for all the love I've received this year. <3


End file.
